John's Sudoku
by Temporal Austenite
Summary: John gets food poisoning in the middle of a case. His best friend takes up the task of nurse, much to John's chagrin. Crack fic, Johnlock if you squint. Set sometime in/around series one.


_I love domestic fics for Sherlock and John, so I figured I'd try my hand at it. Thank you for reading!_

* * *

It was midnight when John barely made it to the toilet before vomiting. Sherlock had taken him to the hospital and been promptly kicked out for being a 'bloody annoying git'. So when the doctor confirmed what Watson had suspected all along (a bad case of food poisoning), John had to call Sarah to take him out of the hospital.

"I'll stop in tomorrow to check on you," She promised. "Do you want help getting up the stairs?"

"No, I should be fine," John smiled wanly, "Besides, I'm sure Sherlock will be inside."

"Well," She patted his arm, "See you tomorrow."

He had gotten in fine, and then been promptly placed in bed by Sherlock.

He was feeling a bit better the next time he woke up.

"Watson?" Sherlock looked up from his paper, "Why are you out of bed?"

"I wasn't confined to bed rest, Sherlock. I've had worse."

"No," Sherlock shook his head, "Get in bed. I'll bring in some food."

"We don't have any food. We never have any food."

"I'll tell Mrs. Hudson."

"No, you won't. Her hip has been acting up these past few days." Sherlock was about to respond, but Watson held up his hand, "Here, I'll call Sarah and ask her. Would that be okay?"

"I suppose. Tell her not to forget the tea."

John returned to his bedroom to make the call, because he was entirely certain he did not want Sherlock hearing, "We don't need to test every type of cracker again for its strength compared to different weights" or "And make sure to get the decaf tea. He can't tell the difference, and I hate to see him on caffeine at three in the morning when we're not on a case."

Sarah arrived about an hour later, with a carton of eggs, a bottle of milk, and some bread, only to be greeted by Sherlock at the door. "John's on bed rest."

"He told me." She laughed, politely and awkwardly.

"I had to lock his door. He kept on coming down to do things."

"Oh." Sarah started, and then tried, "You locked his door?"

"Bed rest, Sarah, does not involve getting up! He didn't even take the medications until I forced him to."

"The doctor did say he only had to take them if he needed to."

Sherlock's hand rose up and swatted at the air as if to bat the idea away, "Irresponsible."

"I brought some of the groceries." She held out one bag, "And then I bought something for John to do."

"What is it?" Sherlock examined the groceries in the bag, and then dropped the eggs on the floor, "Those are the wrong type."

Sarah stared at the mess of eggs, cracked and leaking on the floor, "Wrong—"

"John must have told you the right ones, we'll need different ones. What did you bring John?"

"A Sudoku book. I thought that he might like something to do while he was sitting."

Sherlock frowned, "Goodbye."

"Tell John I'll be by later." She said as he closed the door just centimeters from her face.

* * *

John heard his door lock jiggle two hours later, and crossed his arms as Sherlock entered, "How was Sarah?"

"She got the wrong eggs, and then gave me this to give to you," The sudoku book fell on to the bed next to John as Sherlock turned to walk out.

John picked it up and started, "That was nice—Sherlock." John said to his best friend's back, "Why, may I ask, are all the puzzles done?"

"You've opened and closed that window at least fourteen times. Stop moving around, you're on bed rest."

"No, I'm not! I've been locked up by a sociopath!"

"You're sick. You've got food poisoning." Sherlock went to close the door behind him when Watson called out for him again.

"Sherlock!"

The consulting detective rolled his eyes before returning to the center of the room, "What is it John?"

"Why is the book completely filled out?"

"Because you are supposed to be relaxing. How are you going to relax if she's giving you silly books?" Sherlock picked the book up by the front cover and looked at it in disgust.

"So that I won't pace! So that I won't be bored, Sherlock!"

The book fell back on the bed next to Watson, "Sleep. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're on bed rest?"

"No! You're just supposed to stay in bed! No one sleeps for 24 hours in a row!"

Sherlock looked confused, "I have."

"No, you haven't. Not and stayed in bed. The last time you 'slept for 24 hours straight', I had to make sure you didn't attempt to solve a crime. Or cause one."

"Me?"

"You were on some kind of drug."

His brow creased in concern; "Probably an experiment. When was this?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes! You ruined my experiment by not telling me!"

"You ruined my Sudoku book!"

"I saved you the trouble of having to do it!"

"It wouldn't have been a trouble!"

Sherlock glared at him, then quickly turned and walked out of the door. John threw the book down the stairs after him after him.

"RUDE!" Sherlock called back up the stairs.

* * *

Sarah came back again at around dinner time, and was let in by Mrs. Hudson.

"You brought the groceries for the boys? They've been making a terrible racket all day and my hip won't let me up all those stairs today."

"But John's sick—"

"Yes, I know, and yelling himself hoarse." Mrs. Hudson shook her head, "Well, I'll let you go up there and drop those off."

Sarah heard the yelling start up as she was halfway up the stairs. It was muffled, and stopped when she knocked on the door.

Sherlock opened the door slightly, "Hand those to me, I'll bring them in."

"SHERLOCK!" She heard John yell, "YOU ARE A MAD MAN!"

"Is John okay?"

"Yes, just resisting bed rest."

"I brought a crossword book for him—"

"Yes, that's very nice of you. Goodbye." The door was once again slammed in her face.

"SHERLOCK!" John called again as he heard the door close.

His best friend quietly came up the steps and opened the door, "Yes John?"

"UNCUFF ME NOW."

"Will you promise not to get up?"

"YES."

"There is no need to yell."

"I woke up three hours ago with one hand handcuffed to the bed. I think there is a bit of a need to yell!"

"I'll get you some tea, you're over excited."

"Sherlock…" John warned.

"What is it? I'm busy and you decided to go and get food poisoning!"

"I didn't plan to go get food poisoning!"

"Well, then you shouldn't have eaten at the restaurant."

"You took me there! For the case!"

"Which I have yet to solve."

"Probably because you were too busy solving my Sudoku!"

They glared at each other and Sherlock stormed back down stairs, leaving John still handcuffed to the bed.

"Oh for goodness—SHERLOCK!"

"NO!"

* * *

It was the next day before Sherlock managed to forgive John enough to come upstairs.

"Sorry, Sarah, Sherlock is back. I'll talk to you later and get you the money for the groceries."

Sherlock waited patiently as John slowly hung up the cell phone and placed it on his nightstand, "You didn't have to hang up on my account. I brought tea."

"Thank you."

"You're feeling better."

"I ache in odd places, but my stomach is better, yes."

"Good."

"Can you ah…" John jangled the handcuffs.

"Yes, sorry." He fit the key into the lock and turned it.

"No, no, it's fine. You were just taking care of me."

"Really?"

"No, you were being a bloody annoying prat, Sherlock!" John sat up, "I have bruises on my wrists, I'm dehydrated, which is a good thing because I haven't been able to use the bathroom for almost 18 hours! I haven't been able to do anything for 18 hours!"

"Then I probably shouldn't tell you that last night Sarah brought you a crossword book."

"Sherlock!" John shouted as he followed his best friend down the stairs.

"And I got bored."

"Sherlock!"

* * *

_Thank you again for reading this! I'd love it if you would tell me what you thought!_


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